our cab driver is having phone sex.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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