It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you have to choose: penises or morals?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
