Do you still have your period?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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