I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
