Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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