she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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