he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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