his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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