I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
