Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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