Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
