you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
