I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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