my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
