i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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