If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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