No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
