guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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