So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
