if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
