Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize