nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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