I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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