i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
