I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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