what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize