when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize