My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
