capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
