Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
