i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
