Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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