its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This toilet bowl is my home.
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