And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
