Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Boobs are out for the taking
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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