Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
