Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize