For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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