Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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