I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
