um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Randomize
