I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
