My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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