everyone is single if you try hard enough
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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