I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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