My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
