Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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