Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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