if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
