I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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