Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
