My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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