why didn't you poke me back
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
