Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
