can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize